jelliebeers

(I practiced singing and dancing as I untangled my hair.  This is me in 1993.)

How Do you feel?
I’m not good at finishing things.  I still haven’t watched the last episode of HBO’s True Blood, which ended last year.  I was waiting for “the right moment” to watch the finale, but it never came.  I just never wanted the show to end.
Now it’s time for me to close out my birthday performance (which was 2 weeks ago).  Right after my performance, my friend Hilary asked me,“How do you feel?”
I answered automatically, “I’m glad it’s over.”
I thought about what I just said and I took it back immediately, “Wait… actually I’m not glad that it’s over.’
“I like that.”

The Day Of (10/09/2015 – written on 10/16/2015)
But let’s backtrack and talk about the day of the performance, my birthday (two weeks ago).  I woke up later than I should have and baked a double batch of brownies.  When they cooled, I was going to go to the venue and drop off my cameras and shit like that.  Once the brownies cooled enough to hold, the skies opened up and it started pouring.  Pouring sideways.  I made the 20 min walk across town audibly cursing the weather the entire time.  The walk would have been more enjoyable had I been carrying less stuff and wearing boots.  I dropped off my shit and headed back home.  The rain had let up a bit, but I was pretty soggy and cold.
I made myself a pretty disgusting and ugly birthday dinner.  Two scrambled eggs mixed with black beans, sweet potato and a chopped up corn cake.  There might be American cheese but I don’t remember.

I was really worried that I ate too much and it would show through my leotard (which was very tight).  I had watched what I ate all month and might have undone all my work (I was being paranoid).
Then it was time for makeup and hair.  I wanted to apply eye shadow (which I’ve never done before) and false lashes, which I am terrible at. Both elements of my makeup actually turned out reasonably well and I felt really accomplished.  I was running out of time and my hair was still in a rats nest on top of my head.  I was starting to panic.  I wrapped a tight pony tail with 2 head bands because I don’t have enough hair for a proper bun.  Then I wrapped the base of the bun with some leftover tule.
The tights were a problem… – now my bad posture and sleepiness are getting the best of me and i need to take a break (go to sleep because it 3:25 am which is fucking annoying because I can keep going but I have to be out of the house before noon tomorrow UGHHH).

Note: As much as I told myself that my birthday didn’t matter and “I can celebrate whenever I want”, 
it turned out to be a lie.  This year I was going to sacrifice that day and it was going to bother me.

Imagine – “go fuck yourself to the tune of happy birthday“.