jelliebeers

It was a cold and rainy night and most people had stayed home.  I tell myself that I might as well go ahead with it.

I had brought x6 half pints of heavy cream, 10 disposable razors, toy echo microphone, a giant mixing bowl and a pair of “no muffin top” high waisted underwear.

The show had to go on.

I laid my tarp out and stripped off my street clothes and put on the peep toe faux leather black heels (that I only wear while performing). 

I glab the grocery bag with the cream and distribute it amongst the audience.  I talk of lactose intolerance, cystic acne and dark / thick body hair.

I instruct the audience to deposit their cream in the dowl. I pressure them to move faster.

Once the bowl is full of cream , I take out my hand mixer and beat the cream until I have achieved stiff peaks.

The whole process takes about 5 mins. I check its progress every few minutes and taste the cream from off my finger. My finger is hit with the beaters at least once.  

Cream flies out of the bowl. All the while I am awkwardly striking poses. The lighting is very unflattering and showcasing every dimple and maximizing my cellulite.

When the cream has finally achieved stil peaks, I get the $1.29 2 blade disposable razors.

I later my leg with the beaten cream and rest my leg on top of the bar and start shaving.

The razors are good for less than 1 swipe. My hair instantly clogs the blades. I blame it on the fact that I am Italian.

I decide that it’s probably a good time to save my arm pits too. So I take care of those too.

I expected to be cut but the razors but I wasn’t sure if anything was happening.  

I sing Klau Noami’s take on “You Don’t Own Me”. Forgetting the words, mumbling…

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-Yrg9xNSS0)

I smear the whipped cream on the tarp and slipily write “FUCK YOU” into the foam.
The floor is very slippery and I fall a couple of times. I continue to shave – at times using 2 razors at once in a variety of poses.  

Afterwards, I take my dried out baby wipes and attempt to clean up my greasy legs.  They are slick and there is blood running down both my legs. There is also dirty and hair stuck to them.

The next day my hair smells like cheese and my legs are covered in a fine greasy sheen.